Does Conflict Always Need to be Destructive?
Here we are, approaching the end of 2024. I’ve heard from my elders that although they’ve lived through many precarious moments in history, right now feels to be the most disorganised, uncertain, and scary time to be alive. There are many important reasons for feeling this which I will not list here, but I would like to focus on one area which seems particularly alive for me now: Conflict.
Is it alive for you too?
Whether it is the many wars and genocides occurring in this moment, the polarisation around indigenous rights, the climate activism, being on the brink of nuclear war, or even the small conflicts I experience in my close relationships - I deeply feel our collective lack of skill when it comes to navigating conflict (myself included!). Conflict seems to be woven into the fabric of our existence. It is absolutely inevitable to encounter differences between us, yet our approach to navigating differences seems to cause more pain than almost anything I can think of. For something so consequential, I am astonished by how little we as a society are focusing on developing our capacity to navigate it well. Although many of us experience conflict to be trapping, overwhelming, destructive or harmful, it genuinely does not have to be this way. In fact, conflict can be a catalyst for deepening our trust and relationships, it can be a generative exchange where we learn how to hear each other more deeply, it can even be a doorway into love. If only we knew how…
Something that is at once enlivening and confronting about conflict is that it seems to follow similar patterns no matter what scale we’re looking at it from. As Kazu Haga states in his book Healing Resistance:
“What’s possible at the smallest scale is possible at the largest scale. Whether we are talking about intrapersonal conflict within our own hearts; interpersonal conflict between two people; or large-scale global conflicts between nations; the principles, practices, and strategies that guide the transformation of conflict are the same at every scale.”
He refers to this as the ‘fractal’ nature of conflict. A fractal being a natural phenomenon that is self-repeating and similar at many scales. A circulatory system, a shell, a snowflake - whether you look at it from afar or extremely close-up, it reveals the same pattern. So too with conflict. We are all humans after all and no matter what position of power we inhabit or what scale the issue is that we’re facing, we encounter the same difficulties: How to relate with each other when we intensely disagree, or when we’ve been hurt, or when we’re attempting to defend something important to us. And how do we hold in mind that the other person might be challenged by the very same thing? It is our very human, very intimate struggles that are showing up as this collage of pain we see in the world around us.
Conflict is not something we will ever eradicate. However, the way that we navigate conflict can drastically change for the better. And the ripple effects of even one individual developing their skills in this area can be vastly impactful. What would our world look like if we valued such skills? What if we embedded them into our institutions, into our politics?
At Turning Ground, we are joining the movement of developing our culture’s capacity to navigate conflict. Without this capacity being embedded into culture, we cannot see civilisation maturing into something that can truly hold the possibility of a hopeful future. One way we are moving towards this is through our offering called Communication in Times of Conflict. This is something developed in partnership with Initiatives of Change Australia and draws on the life work of Shoshana Faire, one of the founders of the Conflict Resolution Network. In running these programs, I have been struck by something: Some participants have expressed their surprise at how rare or a ‘niche’ this topic is, and it is almost awkward to share with their friends that they are participating in a program that is exploring conflict. How is something so universal, so important, so painful, and so ill-understood not something we are all grappling with? Particularly now, as it seems every day, we find more catastrophic examples of how not to respond in conflict.
On one hand, exploring this topic is complex: Conflict can come in contact with heavy areas such as personal trauma, intergenerational trauma, shame, fear, and anger. And on the other hand, some of the skills of navigating conflict are incredibly simple. One skill I have loved exploring is simply bringing awareness to one’s intention when you find yourself in conflict. What are the unconscious and habitual intentions that become active when we find ourselves in conflict? Did you choose them? Here are some examples: To win, to prove you wrong, to make you feel shame, revenge, to defend my virtuous self-image. And what might this interaction look like if I became aware of my habitual intention and consciously chose a different intention? What if I had an intention that was skillfully aligned with my own goals? How might this interaction play out differently? What would I say differently?
We explore 8 core skills from the Engaging Constructively in Challenging Conversations framework. We have found that abstract knowledge of these skills is not very helpful. We need to spend time together practicing them, exploring them, receiving feedback, and trying again.
If you are feeling the importance of evolving our relationship to conflict, how might you be able to join the movement towards a more mature culture? If you are curious to join us in our program, see more information here.